Speechless

If God can give me a Girls Aloud reunion and a Take-That-the-end-is-nigh video, then surely he can give 1 millionth of her beauty.

Please?

Have I ever told you how much I love aliens?

I love movies about aliens. And movies about the end of the world. Which is now just one more reason for me to love Take That:

It's like Children of Men and District 9 in one magical-take-that-alien-apocalypse musical! I feel like I should have made this video.

I would have put more Jason in there.

Even Better than Brian Mc Fadden

This. Is. AWESOME.

I actually want to have 'Ball of Light' on my cheesiPod.

Dear Brian Mc Fadden:

It takes a lot to offend my ears, but I must congratulate you, Sir, for you have succeeded. Listen to the travesty that follows at your peril.

Now, to answer your questions, yes, that is a banjo you hear, and yes, he is saying 'I can't wait to get you home so I can take advantage'. No, I have no idea who told him he should rap on this record, but if I did, I don't know whether I would slap them, or say congratulations.

To be fair, Brian's music isn't as terrible as this song would lead you to believe. When I was in Sydney last year, this little ditty was number 1, and it's quite catchy:

IiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis

Where there's a will....

...there seems to be a massive weight loss.

If Jennifer Hudson can under go that kind of transformation, there is really no reason why I haven't lost a stone in 12 years.




That's not true, there is a very good reason why I haven't lost a stone, and it is popularly known as the Kinder Bueno. Jennifer doesn't know what she's missing.

But on the subject of Jennifer Hudson's awesomeness, this video deserves a mention:



I know this was meant to be about Jabba the Hud, but how amazing is Christina Aguilera?! You can have all the Kinder Buenos you want, love, as long as you can keep doing that.

Grrrrrrrrrrilf of the Day

I would tap Cap'n von Trapp.

Other reasons to love Christopher Plummer are that he has been married since 1970 and he voiced Charles Munz in Up!

He is 82, which is just wrong.

Scientific Proof the Prayer does Work

Every night for two years I have been getting down on my knees and begging for the Famous Five to get back together.

But Enid Blyton is long gone, and I really need to be more mature with regards to my reading material.

So I decided to centre my efforts on getting Girls Aloud back together. And tonight, Perez Hilton (God in my eyes) reported that GA will be doing a reunion tour in 2012. WOO and HOO indeed.

Now, before this weekend I wouldn't have believed a word of this, but it would seem that now that Cheryl Cole is going to the U S of A and thus committing career suicide, there will be nothing to hold them back.

Why career suicide? Well, because I don't think anyone was particularly impressed by this years solo efforts, and the pop-music-loving public did not take well to Nuhdeen's abdication, so this is the metaphorical lead balloon on its downward spiral. And me and my debit card will be carefully positioned next to the Ticketmaster website, just waiting for the shiz to hit the fan.

Now, let's remember them when Cheryl still had a snaggle tooth and Kimberly had yet to capture my heart:



Fun fact: this song was written by Lene Nystrøm, or as she is better known, that woman from Aqua.

Undecided on an Inappropriate Question

Is Mrs Banks hot, or a not? I think hot, but then I see her up close, and I think she might belong on Grrrrrrrrrrilfs.

Incidentally, I sang this song in a highly plagiarised version of 'Oh What a Lovely War'.

I do like her lipstick.

Beating the Monday Blues

Today was, as days go, pretty shitty. Few things could have made this day better, but I found the magic solution. On the way to my local epicerie to indulge in binge-eating materials, I decided to allow my cheesiPod to accompany me on the journey, and behold, the God's of fate arranged for this song to play:



I haven't felt elation like that since I recovered Puffa from a hotel in Amsterdam.

I think my next career venture should be to convince the members of Steps and S Club, and the two remaining girls from B*Witched who are jobless to set up a vocal counselling service. The outfits alone will turn that frown upside down.

You may wonder why I said 'the two remaining girls from B*Witched'. Well, wonder no more:



I like it, but I paid €90 to see Britney Spears wander absent-mindedly around a stage.

Pretty Political

This brooding beauty is the Prime Minister of Norway, Jens Stoltenberg. I like him because he looks like an ageing action hero, or possibly Liam Neeson's slightly less intense brother.

Jens is a former journalist and cannabis user. Good to know what his interests are.

He once crashed into a car, pretended to fix a note, and sped off into the night. Unfortunately, he was newly elected and recognisable to the general Norwegian public. So not the sharpest tool in the box, but I like a man who takes risks.

And fortunately, he has undergone an image change since these days:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/thefuturistics/2340340656/

Grrrrrrrrrrilf of the Day

I give you- Tom Selleck! He wouldn't be my first choice, but I have heard there is many a young lady with their hearts set on him.

Tom here has just turned 66. Well, if it's good enough for Monica Gellar...

PS- do you see the picture in which he is wearing jeans? Have you looked? My sister has that exact same belt. She accused me of stealing it, but it would seem that Magnum PI has some sticky fingers.

Just keep her clean, Sam

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson were out and about in LA on Thursday, and stopped by the Roosevelt hotel (home of Teddy's and probably many of Lindsay's lost memories), before going home for a sleepover. I am going to go out on a limb here and say it was a sexy-time-sleepover, because they live right next door to each other- there is really no other excuse for just not going your separate ways at the door.

Genius.

Now, I just have a few things to add here. You two can have all the sleepovers you want, as long as LiLo isn't drinking or rubbing her nose. Secondly, if you are thinking of getting back together, maybe you should just bite the bullet and move in together- Lindsay hasn't got much work going her way at the mo'. And finally, a word of advice for Samantha: get out! Get out while you can! She has moved NEXT DOOR and, judging from the photo above, she is stealing your clothes.

You need a girlfriend, Sam, not a shadow.

Grrrrrrrrrrilf of the Day

Upon request, I'm going to start uploading pictures of hot men who could be potential grandfathers. Number one is my personal favourite.


Crack that whip, Dr Jones. Not too vigorously, mind, you'll do your hip in.

Put 'Em Away, Love

Leona Lewis is so boring that she can't even make herself look like a common trollop. She has clearly tried to do everything in power to look sexy and edgy, but I'm still bored.

I also really don't get the point of this crop top. Granted this is probably because I have never and will never be able to wear one, but it is also because that skirt is just sooooooooo high. And sooooooo long. So(ooooooo) why didn't she just join them together and take the hem up a bit?

Oh right, because it still wouldn't have made her interesting.

Oh Em Gee

A few years ago, Britney Spears had a bit of a mental breakdown. I have now uncovered YouTube evidence (the most reliable kind there is) that shows that Britney actually began losing her marbles in September 2003. Watch this and wait for the 'Happy Troll' comment.



David Sneddon?!?!

Well, it explains a lot about her later romantic choices.

FYI Calvin for S Club Juniors is not going to get with your sister Britney, she is damaged goods.

He has my vote

Though I'm quite sure that (despite the fact that I'm a British citizen) I am only allowed to vote for candidates with some sort of terrorist links.

But look at this man. Isn't he a specimen of beauty? Granted he and Sonic the Hedgehog have the same hairdresser, but he still gets my heart racing. We could have a foreign affair.

PS his dad is a Marxist theorist, so I think he could take me home to meet the family and I may be able to impress them with my knowledge (read: boobs)

Gang Life is Getting Out of Control

I have been to California. I have taken a bus through down-town L.A. in the dark. I toured the Tenderloin District in San Francisco and have almost fainted on Venice Beach. In my life I have seen many things, but none so more frightening than what I read today on BBC News.

Cricket has spread to Compton. Apparently it's keeping kids out of gangs and promoting non-drug-fuelled activity amongst the young'uns of CA. Now, I am totally in favour of encouraging people to make their lives better, but is cricket really the way to go about this. Surely giving a 17 year old gang member a cricket bat is equally as dangerous as giving him any other large, heavy blunt object. I'm sure we have all seen Law and Order, and are aware of the damage that such objects can cause.

On the plus side, now these kids have one more item to paint red or blue and draw some tears on.