Heidi Montag on Sex Tapes and Jesus

A found this interesting quote while perusing Perez:

"I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God. God knows the truth in all of [the Lauren Conrad sex tape rumors], and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know?" 

I think that that is where the comparisons with JC end. I am certain that Jesus was not persecuted for having a mouldable face. But if ever there was a sign that Heidi's good friend has a sense of humour, it's that his dad put someone on earth who came up with this:

You are SO welcome.

Jason Segel could not be any more perfect. He brings me songs, he brings me smiles, and he brings me Muppets.

I could totally arrange it that I am available for you, Mr Segel.

(Would it be weird if I asked him to bring some Muppet, too? I totally love me some Pepe)

Grim Friday

On the day on which Jesus died so that we could all be temporary vegetarians and abstain momentarily from drinking the water that he so kindly turned into wine, I thought that this might cheer everyone up a bit.

Because let's be honest: kissing a cross covered in pensioner slobber after a day of fasting does not a fun Friday make (whoever added the 'Good' was delusional). Thank God (...) then, for Sadie B.

Now, I bet you can't wait for Sunday after that. Very uplifting. I particularly like the part where she reminds me about the collection bag.

The Great Dead (because they are dead, but still great)

I honestly believe that Jack Lemmon is my soul mate. Ever since my dad thought it cool to make me watch The Odd Couple at 9, I have been mesmerised by his facial expressions. Honestly. No-one can make a face like that guy.

And what a face.

Jack Lemmon, sadly departed: but I still would.

Quote of the Year

Shirley MacLaine is awesome for lots of reasons (like playing my favourite ever prostitute in Irma La Douce), but after a recent interview Chez Oprah, I love her a little bit more.

During the interview she talked about her, um, 'active intimate life' (which, ps, old people really shouldn't do, ever- but it's Shirley MacLaine so we'll cut her some slack) and said:

"I've had an awful lot of lovers...and a lot of awful lovers"

LOL.

I would like to add something funny in here about how I totally understand where she's coming from etc, but I can't because my life has been nowhere near as interesting as Ms MacLaine's. Ho hum.

The Great Dead (because they are dead, but still great)

Cary Grant (or Archibald Leach, as his mum called him) was born way back in 1904, and passed away in 1986. He secretly worked for British Intelligence during WWII, trying to out Nazis. This mixture of suave, sophistication and bad-ass helps explain why Ian Fleming modeled the James Bond character on Cary Grant.

If you've ever seen (the totally awesome) film Charade with Cary and Audrey Hepburn, you'll know that his looks never faded- he still looked hot at 59.

Cary Grant: your great, and I would.

Jenna Rose- Performing Monkey

Her parents must hate her, because this definitely qualifies as child cruelty. She is only 13!

No child should ever utter the words 'all way around and around the back', or tell someone to 'come on by my crib'. In fact, no white person should ever say 'crib', unless it is in the context of MTV.

Parents who open their children up to bullying and dangers through viral videos need to be arrested. These kids have their whole life ahead of them to make bad decisions, don't ruin those chances for them now.

Jenna Rose, Rebecca Black etc need to take some time off, finish school, and then come back with decent songs and an image that they are in charge of and comfortable with. They have already reached levels of notoriety, so there's no rush.

And if your horrible parents are hell-bent on making you a child star, then they should stick to shit like this:

It's terrible, but at least it was made for kids. STOP THE CRUELTY!

Grrrrrrrrrrilf of the Day

And isn't he an ageing beaut. Like a fine wine or a two year old Easter egg your sister hid under her bed and forgot to eat, Sean Connery is always a treat.

He definitely got more attractive with age. Funny, that Easter egg turned white as it got older, too...

Grrrrrrrrrrilf of the Day

I would tap Cap'n von Trapp.

Other reasons to love Christopher Plummer are that he has been married since 1970 and he voiced Charles Munz in Up!

He is 82, which is just wrong.

Undecided on an Inappropriate Question

Is Mrs Banks hot, or a not? I think hot, but then I see her up close, and I think she might belong on Grrrrrrrrrrilfs.

Incidentally, I sang this song in a highly plagiarised version of 'Oh What a Lovely War'.

I do like her lipstick.

Pretty Political

This brooding beauty is the Prime Minister of Norway, Jens Stoltenberg. I like him because he looks like an ageing action hero, or possibly Liam Neeson's slightly less intense brother.

Jens is a former journalist and cannabis user. Good to know what his interests are.

He once crashed into a car, pretended to fix a note, and sped off into the night. Unfortunately, he was newly elected and recognisable to the general Norwegian public. So not the sharpest tool in the box, but I like a man who takes risks.

And fortunately, he has undergone an image change since these days:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/thefuturistics/2340340656/

Grrrrrrrrrrilf of the Day

I give you- Tom Selleck! He wouldn't be my first choice, but I have heard there is many a young lady with their hearts set on him.

Tom here has just turned 66. Well, if it's good enough for Monica Gellar...

PS- do you see the picture in which he is wearing jeans? Have you looked? My sister has that exact same belt. She accused me of stealing it, but it would seem that Magnum PI has some sticky fingers.

Just keep her clean, Sam

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson were out and about in LA on Thursday, and stopped by the Roosevelt hotel (home of Teddy's and probably many of Lindsay's lost memories), before going home for a sleepover. I am going to go out on a limb here and say it was a sexy-time-sleepover, because they live right next door to each other- there is really no other excuse for just not going your separate ways at the door.

Genius.

Now, I just have a few things to add here. You two can have all the sleepovers you want, as long as LiLo isn't drinking or rubbing her nose. Secondly, if you are thinking of getting back together, maybe you should just bite the bullet and move in together- Lindsay hasn't got much work going her way at the mo'. And finally, a word of advice for Samantha: get out! Get out while you can! She has moved NEXT DOOR and, judging from the photo above, she is stealing your clothes.

You need a girlfriend, Sam, not a shadow.

Grrrrrrrrrrilf of the Day

Upon request, I'm going to start uploading pictures of hot men who could be potential grandfathers. Number one is my personal favourite.


Crack that whip, Dr Jones. Not too vigorously, mind, you'll do your hip in.

Oh Em Gee

A few years ago, Britney Spears had a bit of a mental breakdown. I have now uncovered YouTube evidence (the most reliable kind there is) that shows that Britney actually began losing her marbles in September 2003. Watch this and wait for the 'Happy Troll' comment.



David Sneddon?!?!

Well, it explains a lot about her later romantic choices.

FYI Calvin for S Club Juniors is not going to get with your sister Britney, she is damaged goods.

This post may cause you to gauge out your eyeballs. With teaspoons

Why? Who? HOW?! Where is her make-up?! This is pretty unfair- with anyone else there would be at least a little airbrushing and some very supportive underwear. However, some conniving bastard managed to talk Abbey- of X-Factor 'Ablisa' fame- into getting her bits out. Whoever was behind this obviously wanted to punish the human race for reading such tripe as the Sport.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to amputate a limb, in the hope that it makes me forget that I saw this photo.

Good news. Sort of.

So it turns out that all the birds in Romania died from alcohol poisoning, and not bird flu, which is good news for birds in general, just not that particular drunken flock. I'm trying very hard to be environmentally friendly and not laugh, but then I picture a drunken flock of birds. In my head they are all chatting like the vultures in the Jungle Book.

The other random dropping of birds has been explained by fireworks in Arkansas and death by hit and run in Sweden. Am I the only person finding this difficult to believe? Anyone that has seen Flashforward knows that this is just a cover-up for the crazy scientific experiment that Charlie from Lost is involved with, and soon we are all going to black out for 2 minutes and see our futures. I blacked out on Monday, but I can't yet say if the two are related.

What is this meant to be, Ryan Gosling?

Ryan Gosling (who is nat hat) was on TV in America singing what was allegedly a My Little Pony song. Someone has clearly lied to him, because I have never heard this one before:



If you don't watch him, he talks EXACTLY like Spencer Pratt.

The My Little Pony song, as any self respecting 80s kid knows, is this:



I'll beeeeeeeeeeeee theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight by yooooooooooooooooooour siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide. I could cry with nostalgia.

Does anyone remember the really creepy My Little Pony film with the ice-cream man who drugged the ponies' ice-cream and made them join the circus? It was like 'Taken' for 4 year olds.

Minogue Awesomeness!!!

I almost didn't believe it when I wrote it earlier, but I think this is seriously impressive!



Though Cheryl made a good effort at live-performing this week. She's trying very hard, you can tell by the look of concentration on her face.

Nuhdine would never where that dress though. She's obviously over-compensating.



If anyone has ever seen The Vagina Monlogues, you'll understand why I can't support a song called 'The Flood'. Ick.

Fun Fact

I thought I would take a moment to brush up on this Wikileaks story today, because I've been neglecting the news for celebrity gossip for the greater part of this century.

Anywho, I decided to read about one of my favourite countries ever, Nicaragua, a State that Public International Law has actually made me feel quite sorry for. Imagine my surprise when I found out that the Nicaraguan President shares a surname with one of my top-ten directors of all time!

Yep, Mr President Daniel Ortega shares a name with Disney genius Kenny Ortega, the man who blessed us with the High School Musical franchise and the cinematic triumph that was Hocus Pocus. (He was also the musical director behind what would have been Michael Jackson's 'This Is It' concert, but we all know how that turned out)

Unfortunately, a surname is probably all these two share- one wants to keep kids off the streets by teaching them about the joys of song and witchcraft, while the other has opened the little tykes up to a whole array of narcotics.

Great fun to be had, no matter which Ortega you favour!