I Actually Thought That This Was RuPaul

wj

...but it's former 'adult film start' extraordinaire Jenna Jameson. What the what?! Proof that when it comes to surgery, it's best to leave your face alone. 

There is Just No Excuse, Lindsay

Bad teeth are excusable. Unclean teeth are not. Radar online has found a dentist that kindly speculates that Lindsay's bad case of funky-tooth is due to drug use.

If this is true (which it may not be), I'm sure you can scrape some pennies together for a tube of toothpaste, Ms Lohan. You can even get one composed of baking powder- you know, it's a white powdery stuff, and you rub it on your gums and....oh no, wait, that's what (allegedly) got us here in the first place.

I have a voucher for 25% of dental care in Boots if it's financial aid you're in need of. Though if you accept it with mind to (possibly, but also possibly not) purchase some narcotics, I will have to take it back, because I believe that would make me an enabler.

Um...

What the hell is that on your head?! I just don't get it. Head jewelleryn in general just upsets me. Unless you are the princess of an actual country (the E! Channel does not qualify as a country, obviously) you should not decorate your skull.

I know. I'm just jealous. I wish I looked like Kim Kardashian-Humphries.

Why Beyoncé's Baby is not Good News

Beyoncé is 'avec enfant'. This is not surprising, because today is her 30th birthday, and she has been ranting for years that she wants to have a baby when she's 30. Of course, baby making is wonderful, makes the world go round, blah blah blah. But Beyoncé-baby-making has it's problems.

1: When Beyoncé loves someone, she really, really wants us all to know about it. She does this in song-form. The thing is, the more Beyoncé loves someone, the worse the song gets (see the horrendous 'Daddy' and the abysmal '1+1'). And fools like me will be obligated to buy the albumn of baby-gushing-crap. I've already gone through this with Britney (the imaginatively titled 'My Baby'), and I really don't think I have the fan-will-power to do it all over again.

2. This means Beyoncé's mum, Big Tina, is going to start designing baby clothes. If you are unaware of Tina's 'talents', she has to be the worst seamstress the world has ever known. When you see Beyoncé and think 'What the fuck are you wearing?!', her mum made that. Like this monstrosity below:

If she makes a baby clothes line I will have to contact Child Protective Services, because I really can't get on board with that kind of child abuse. (Note: The hideous ensemble she is sporting in the photo above actually wasn't made by her mother. The jacket is D&G, and the nylon trousers are Primark Maternity. Probably.)

3. Even though she is going to be getting huge and indulging her inner fat-girl, Beyoncé has made all her videos for her new albumn after she went through some horrendous diet, so I will still have to see her in all her gorgeous glory. In short, even though she is carrying spawn, I will feel like the pregnant one. Ugh.

4. Beyoncé and Jay-Z have been married now for exactly 3 years and 5 months, and I have never seen those wedding photographs. Chances are I will never see pictures of this baby either. My curious and celebrity-orientated brain does not cope well with this kind of secrecy.

5. Kanye West is going to be Godfather and Gwyneth Paltrow will probably be Godmother. That child is going to be hella-confused when it grows up with all those mixed messages it'll be receiving.

For the above reasons, I can only give you half-hearted congratulations, Beyoncé, and I will save my true celebration for when I actually get to see what Baby BeyJayzus looks like.

Grim Friday

On the day on which Jesus died so that we could all be temporary vegetarians and abstain momentarily from drinking the water that he so kindly turned into wine, I thought that this might cheer everyone up a bit.

Because let's be honest: kissing a cross covered in pensioner slobber after a day of fasting does not a fun Friday make (whoever added the 'Good' was delusional). Thank God (...) then, for Sadie B.

Now, I bet you can't wait for Sunday after that. Very uplifting. I particularly like the part where she reminds me about the collection bag.

Jealousy: a fun past-time, but it doesn't get you anywhere

Emma Watson has apparently been bullied out of Brown University. She said on her Twitter account a while back that she would have to take some time off college to finish up acting commitments, but sources are saying that isn't the full story. Allegedly she was getting so much shit for Harry Potter stuff that she decided to pack it in.

This is seriously pas cool. She is one of the richest kids in the world, but she must be pretty normal to decide to get an education, too. Everyone needs a Plan B. And she was studying Drama, which, you know, isn't a bad idea if she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life known as Hermione Granger.

But some massive DICKS over in Rhode Island have totally overlooked this point and have managed to harass her out of college. When their parents were splashing out on their Ivy League education, they clearly forgot to buy them some manners. This whole bullying fiasco is only made worse by the fact that Harvard students were involved. That's right, the leaders of tomorrow (and douches of next week) decided to pick on her at a college football game- with Harry Potter taunts. Come on now, your meant to be super intelligent- either up your insult game or don't say anything at all.

Still, Emma's a trooper, and she put up with it during the whole game (which is probably like 2 hours, but I've watched football, it feels like a fucking lifetime).

I love my celebrities, I really do, but I would hope that I could understand that if someone wants to take some time off to get on with their life, I should respect that. Now, if a lowly Perez reader like myself can understand that, surely Economist-subscribing, scholarship-winning, future-Wall-Street-Journal-contributing Ivy League assholes can too.

Your better off at NYU, Emma, I hear the Olsen twins had a great time there.

(PS- don't you totally get the 'She's-so-beautiful-fuss' from that picture?! She looks 'mazing!)

Fergie: Pre-Self-Destruction

Fergie of Black-Eyed-Peas fame was once a child called Stacey Ferguson. she was young and innocent, and completely unaware of the fact that she would grow up to be a meth head, and wet herself on stage. As a youngster, she appeared on 80s US tv-show 'Kids Inc', and she was pretty awesome:

She was only 8 in that video! I've heard her sing live, and she really does have one of the best voices I have ever heard, if not the best.

It's also impossible to tell that she grew up to be Fergie. If ever there was an advert to prevent people from having surgery performed on their face, it should be this video compared with a modern Stacey. Kinda sad.

Epic Fail, Cosmo

Cosmopolitan have decided to release their obligatory, bi-annual, 'love-yourself-gurrrl' issue this month, and kindly decided to put Kim Kardashian on the cover.

Inside, Kim talks about how tough life has been for her, and tells a moving story about the time that she thought she was trying on a size 12, when it was really a size 8, and what that meant for her.

Oh, boo-hoo, Kim. Getting up in the morning must be soooooooo difficult with your perfectly proportioned body and single-figure dress size. You know what's hard- getting cut out of your clothes because they don't fit you. That's hard, bitch.

In conclusion- no, Cosmo, I don't feel better about myself after reading that issue. I probably feel worse, and now I'm going to fry some stuff, and it will be all your fault.

If you feel like torturing yourself too, you can have a flick through this month's issue here.

Jenna Rose- Performing Monkey

Her parents must hate her, because this definitely qualifies as child cruelty. She is only 13!

No child should ever utter the words 'all way around and around the back', or tell someone to 'come on by my crib'. In fact, no white person should ever say 'crib', unless it is in the context of MTV.

Parents who open their children up to bullying and dangers through viral videos need to be arrested. These kids have their whole life ahead of them to make bad decisions, don't ruin those chances for them now.

Jenna Rose, Rebecca Black etc need to take some time off, finish school, and then come back with decent songs and an image that they are in charge of and comfortable with. They have already reached levels of notoriety, so there's no rush.

And if your horrible parents are hell-bent on making you a child star, then they should stick to shit like this:

It's terrible, but at least it was made for kids. STOP THE CRUELTY!

Going Out With A Bang

The beautiful Dame Elizabeth Taylor left us last week, but not before she stole the show one last time.

Liz stipulated in her will that she arrive to her own burial 15 minutes late, so that she could make one last grand entrance. The story also goes that an ex-husband (one of the seven) remarked that she 'would be later to her own funeral', and Dame Elizabeth thoughtfully decided to prove him right. Either way, not many celebrities have the potential to add such a touch of class to their last big day.

In an age where fake boobs and knicker-flashing buy fame, the passing of Elizabeth Taylor highlights how much 'show-biz' has deteriorated since the Old Hollywood days.

And of course, what it meant to look after one's eyebrows (how awesome are they?!).

So, now that she's gone, I would like to remind you of her best work:

Open Letter to Vanessa Hudgens

Dear Vanessa,

If you don't want people to see you naked, stop taking off your clothes and taking pictures of yourself. They will end up on the internet, and your parents will be embarrassed.

However, if you are going to continually be stupid and allow this to happen, could you ensure that they photos fall into the hands of someone who will publish them properly? I've been searching all day and I can't find them anywhere.

Though, that's how I felt about Rihanna's naked episode, and then I found the photos and, well....I saw too much.

I guess it's a case of 'be careful what you wish for', but I'm going to take my chances.

Um.....

This is so shit, I actually can't think of anything clever to say. A song has robbed me of my powers. I just don't understand how this was made. I can't understand why someone would sing it. It is beyond me why someone would write it, and then inflict it upon the rest of the world. I am lost for words.



Unfortunately, there is going to be a lot more where that came from:



Sort of makes Brian McFadden date-rape songs more appealing, doesn't it?

Will Smith: Smart, or Exceptionally Dumb?

Word on the street is that Will Smith was offered a scholarship to MIT, but decided to defer and then just never turned up.

I had never questioned this, but a friend of mine did, so I thought I would do some snooping.

It turns out, his mum had a friend who was on the admissions board, and they 'needed more black kids'. I don't think it counts as a bone fide scholarship if you didn't think of packing it in to become a sales assistant or a waiter at some stage during the application process. Not that there is anything wrong with that- there is no profession more noble than that of the woman that gives us clothes and the man that provides food.

In the same interview, Will explains that his children are being home schooled, because in real life they will have no need for historical dates, but they will need to learn about Aristotle's social theories when they are 7.

Now, tell me Mr Smith, where exactly does Aristotle promote pimping out your children? That's what I thought.

You can read more here:

http://www.rd.com/family/will-smith-interview/

But let's not hold it against him- he is of course exceptionally attractive.

So bad it's AWESOME

Two things struck me when I watched Obsessed:

1. This film is truly awful
2. This film is a cinematic triumph

It is rare for a film to both terrible and brilliant, but if any bad actress can make that happen, Beyoncé can. See for yourselves:

I would class it in the same category as Spice World. Make of that what you will.

Liar, Liar (Surprise, Surprise?)

Heather Mills's former publicist is claiming she lied about the Paul McCartney altercation during their divorce. No, I wasn't shocked, either.

No one is ever going to take your side after you divorce a Beatle. It's like drowning a kitten or running over a nun- you'll always be in the wrong.

What is surprising, however, is how much I like her haircut in this picture. Pity she has a face on her like she just smelt a particularly nasty fart.

Stop Playing With Your Vage

Did your mum never tell you to get your hand out of your knickers? (Mine didn't, but I've seen this happen- mostly with little boys having a fiddle).

I sort of hate this video- are those pointy things embedded under her skin?! That is truly rancid. Her hair looks awesome though. I suppose that's the least you can do to look good when your're planning on birthing your own machine gun.

I find this to be a much better use of unicorns:

I don't know what they did to persuade him to do this, but it was genius. And he looks hawt.

Dear Brian Mc Fadden:

It takes a lot to offend my ears, but I must congratulate you, Sir, for you have succeeded. Listen to the travesty that follows at your peril.

Now, to answer your questions, yes, that is a banjo you hear, and yes, he is saying 'I can't wait to get you home so I can take advantage'. No, I have no idea who told him he should rap on this record, but if I did, I don't know whether I would slap them, or say congratulations.

To be fair, Brian's music isn't as terrible as this song would lead you to believe. When I was in Sydney last year, this little ditty was number 1, and it's quite catchy:

IiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis

Scientific Proof the Prayer does Work

Every night for two years I have been getting down on my knees and begging for the Famous Five to get back together.

But Enid Blyton is long gone, and I really need to be more mature with regards to my reading material.

So I decided to centre my efforts on getting Girls Aloud back together. And tonight, Perez Hilton (God in my eyes) reported that GA will be doing a reunion tour in 2012. WOO and HOO indeed.

Now, before this weekend I wouldn't have believed a word of this, but it would seem that now that Cheryl Cole is going to the U S of A and thus committing career suicide, there will be nothing to hold them back.

Why career suicide? Well, because I don't think anyone was particularly impressed by this years solo efforts, and the pop-music-loving public did not take well to Nuhdeen's abdication, so this is the metaphorical lead balloon on its downward spiral. And me and my debit card will be carefully positioned next to the Ticketmaster website, just waiting for the shiz to hit the fan.

Now, let's remember them when Cheryl still had a snaggle tooth and Kimberly had yet to capture my heart:



Fun fact: this song was written by Lene Nystrøm, or as she is better known, that woman from Aqua.

Beating the Monday Blues

Today was, as days go, pretty shitty. Few things could have made this day better, but I found the magic solution. On the way to my local epicerie to indulge in binge-eating materials, I decided to allow my cheesiPod to accompany me on the journey, and behold, the God's of fate arranged for this song to play:



I haven't felt elation like that since I recovered Puffa from a hotel in Amsterdam.

I think my next career venture should be to convince the members of Steps and S Club, and the two remaining girls from B*Witched who are jobless to set up a vocal counselling service. The outfits alone will turn that frown upside down.

You may wonder why I said 'the two remaining girls from B*Witched'. Well, wonder no more:



I like it, but I paid €90 to see Britney Spears wander absent-mindedly around a stage.

Just keep her clean, Sam

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson were out and about in LA on Thursday, and stopped by the Roosevelt hotel (home of Teddy's and probably many of Lindsay's lost memories), before going home for a sleepover. I am going to go out on a limb here and say it was a sexy-time-sleepover, because they live right next door to each other- there is really no other excuse for just not going your separate ways at the door.

Genius.

Now, I just have a few things to add here. You two can have all the sleepovers you want, as long as LiLo isn't drinking or rubbing her nose. Secondly, if you are thinking of getting back together, maybe you should just bite the bullet and move in together- Lindsay hasn't got much work going her way at the mo'. And finally, a word of advice for Samantha: get out! Get out while you can! She has moved NEXT DOOR and, judging from the photo above, she is stealing your clothes.

You need a girlfriend, Sam, not a shadow.