Can we be friends?

The lovely people at Buzzfeed are running an article on 'Messages to Young People Who Don't Believe in Gay Marriage'. Amongst the 37 options on the site, this was my fave. I need to know this girl, she is clearly a genius:

Now that's how you speak to the (more ignorant) youth of today. Though if you are looking for a more blunt approach, this one works too:

Equal rights and love and hugs and kisses for all!

Why Beyoncé's Baby is not Good News

Beyoncé is 'avec enfant'. This is not surprising, because today is her 30th birthday, and she has been ranting for years that she wants to have a baby when she's 30. Of course, baby making is wonderful, makes the world go round, blah blah blah. But Beyoncé-baby-making has it's problems.

1: When Beyoncé loves someone, she really, really wants us all to know about it. She does this in song-form. The thing is, the more Beyoncé loves someone, the worse the song gets (see the horrendous 'Daddy' and the abysmal '1+1'). And fools like me will be obligated to buy the albumn of baby-gushing-crap. I've already gone through this with Britney (the imaginatively titled 'My Baby'), and I really don't think I have the fan-will-power to do it all over again.

2. This means Beyoncé's mum, Big Tina, is going to start designing baby clothes. If you are unaware of Tina's 'talents', she has to be the worst seamstress the world has ever known. When you see Beyoncé and think 'What the fuck are you wearing?!', her mum made that. Like this monstrosity below:

If she makes a baby clothes line I will have to contact Child Protective Services, because I really can't get on board with that kind of child abuse. (Note: The hideous ensemble she is sporting in the photo above actually wasn't made by her mother. The jacket is D&G, and the nylon trousers are Primark Maternity. Probably.)

3. Even though she is going to be getting huge and indulging her inner fat-girl, Beyoncé has made all her videos for her new albumn after she went through some horrendous diet, so I will still have to see her in all her gorgeous glory. In short, even though she is carrying spawn, I will feel like the pregnant one. Ugh.

4. Beyoncé and Jay-Z have been married now for exactly 3 years and 5 months, and I have never seen those wedding photographs. Chances are I will never see pictures of this baby either. My curious and celebrity-orientated brain does not cope well with this kind of secrecy.

5. Kanye West is going to be Godfather and Gwyneth Paltrow will probably be Godmother. That child is going to be hella-confused when it grows up with all those mixed messages it'll be receiving.

For the above reasons, I can only give you half-hearted congratulations, Beyoncé, and I will save my true celebration for when I actually get to see what Baby BeyJayzus looks like.

Jealousy: a fun past-time, but it doesn't get you anywhere

Emma Watson has apparently been bullied out of Brown University. She said on her Twitter account a while back that she would have to take some time off college to finish up acting commitments, but sources are saying that isn't the full story. Allegedly she was getting so much shit for Harry Potter stuff that she decided to pack it in.

This is seriously pas cool. She is one of the richest kids in the world, but she must be pretty normal to decide to get an education, too. Everyone needs a Plan B. And she was studying Drama, which, you know, isn't a bad idea if she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life known as Hermione Granger.

But some massive DICKS over in Rhode Island have totally overlooked this point and have managed to harass her out of college. When their parents were splashing out on their Ivy League education, they clearly forgot to buy them some manners. This whole bullying fiasco is only made worse by the fact that Harvard students were involved. That's right, the leaders of tomorrow (and douches of next week) decided to pick on her at a college football game- with Harry Potter taunts. Come on now, your meant to be super intelligent- either up your insult game or don't say anything at all.

Still, Emma's a trooper, and she put up with it during the whole game (which is probably like 2 hours, but I've watched football, it feels like a fucking lifetime).

I love my celebrities, I really do, but I would hope that I could understand that if someone wants to take some time off to get on with their life, I should respect that. Now, if a lowly Perez reader like myself can understand that, surely Economist-subscribing, scholarship-winning, future-Wall-Street-Journal-contributing Ivy League assholes can too.

Your better off at NYU, Emma, I hear the Olsen twins had a great time there.

(PS- don't you totally get the 'She's-so-beautiful-fuss' from that picture?! She looks 'mazing!)

The Great Dead (because they are dead, but still great)

I honestly believe that Jack Lemmon is my soul mate. Ever since my dad thought it cool to make me watch The Odd Couple at 9, I have been mesmerised by his facial expressions. Honestly. No-one can make a face like that guy.

And what a face.

Jack Lemmon, sadly departed: but I still would.

The Great Dead (because they are dead, but still great)

Cary Grant (or Archibald Leach, as his mum called him) was born way back in 1904, and passed away in 1986. He secretly worked for British Intelligence during WWII, trying to out Nazis. This mixture of suave, sophistication and bad-ass helps explain why Ian Fleming modeled the James Bond character on Cary Grant.

If you've ever seen (the totally awesome) film Charade with Cary and Audrey Hepburn, you'll know that his looks never faded- he still looked hot at 59.

Cary Grant: your great, and I would.

Epic Fail, Cosmo

Cosmopolitan have decided to release their obligatory, bi-annual, 'love-yourself-gurrrl' issue this month, and kindly decided to put Kim Kardashian on the cover.

Inside, Kim talks about how tough life has been for her, and tells a moving story about the time that she thought she was trying on a size 12, when it was really a size 8, and what that meant for her.

Oh, boo-hoo, Kim. Getting up in the morning must be soooooooo difficult with your perfectly proportioned body and single-figure dress size. You know what's hard- getting cut out of your clothes because they don't fit you. That's hard, bitch.

In conclusion- no, Cosmo, I don't feel better about myself after reading that issue. I probably feel worse, and now I'm going to fry some stuff, and it will be all your fault.

If you feel like torturing yourself too, you can have a flick through this month's issue here.

Going Out With A Bang

The beautiful Dame Elizabeth Taylor left us last week, but not before she stole the show one last time.

Liz stipulated in her will that she arrive to her own burial 15 minutes late, so that she could make one last grand entrance. The story also goes that an ex-husband (one of the seven) remarked that she 'would be later to her own funeral', and Dame Elizabeth thoughtfully decided to prove him right. Either way, not many celebrities have the potential to add such a touch of class to their last big day.

In an age where fake boobs and knicker-flashing buy fame, the passing of Elizabeth Taylor highlights how much 'show-biz' has deteriorated since the Old Hollywood days.

And of course, what it meant to look after one's eyebrows (how awesome are they?!).

So, now that she's gone, I would like to remind you of her best work:

Open Letter to Vanessa Hudgens

Dear Vanessa,

If you don't want people to see you naked, stop taking off your clothes and taking pictures of yourself. They will end up on the internet, and your parents will be embarrassed.

However, if you are going to continually be stupid and allow this to happen, could you ensure that they photos fall into the hands of someone who will publish them properly? I've been searching all day and I can't find them anywhere.

Though, that's how I felt about Rihanna's naked episode, and then I found the photos and, well....I saw too much.

I guess it's a case of 'be careful what you wish for', but I'm going to take my chances.

Will Smith: Smart, or Exceptionally Dumb?

Word on the street is that Will Smith was offered a scholarship to MIT, but decided to defer and then just never turned up.

I had never questioned this, but a friend of mine did, so I thought I would do some snooping.

It turns out, his mum had a friend who was on the admissions board, and they 'needed more black kids'. I don't think it counts as a bone fide scholarship if you didn't think of packing it in to become a sales assistant or a waiter at some stage during the application process. Not that there is anything wrong with that- there is no profession more noble than that of the woman that gives us clothes and the man that provides food.

In the same interview, Will explains that his children are being home schooled, because in real life they will have no need for historical dates, but they will need to learn about Aristotle's social theories when they are 7.

Now, tell me Mr Smith, where exactly does Aristotle promote pimping out your children? That's what I thought.

You can read more here:

http://www.rd.com/family/will-smith-interview/

But let's not hold it against him- he is of course exceptionally attractive.

Grrrrrrrrrrilf of the Day

And isn't he an ageing beaut. Like a fine wine or a two year old Easter egg your sister hid under her bed and forgot to eat, Sean Connery is always a treat.

He definitely got more attractive with age. Funny, that Easter egg turned white as it got older, too...

Stop Playing With Your Vage

Did your mum never tell you to get your hand out of your knickers? (Mine didn't, but I've seen this happen- mostly with little boys having a fiddle).

I sort of hate this video- are those pointy things embedded under her skin?! That is truly rancid. Her hair looks awesome though. I suppose that's the least you can do to look good when your're planning on birthing your own machine gun.

I find this to be a much better use of unicorns:

I don't know what they did to persuade him to do this, but it was genius. And he looks hawt.

Speechless

If God can give me a Girls Aloud reunion and a Take-That-the-end-is-nigh video, then surely he can give 1 millionth of her beauty.

Please?

Have I ever told you how much I love aliens?

I love movies about aliens. And movies about the end of the world. Which is now just one more reason for me to love Take That:

It's like Children of Men and District 9 in one magical-take-that-alien-apocalypse musical! I feel like I should have made this video.

I would have put more Jason in there.

Even Better than Brian Mc Fadden

This. Is. AWESOME.

I actually want to have 'Ball of Light' on my cheesiPod.

Where there's a will....

...there seems to be a massive weight loss.

If Jennifer Hudson can under go that kind of transformation, there is really no reason why I haven't lost a stone in 12 years.




That's not true, there is a very good reason why I haven't lost a stone, and it is popularly known as the Kinder Bueno. Jennifer doesn't know what she's missing.

But on the subject of Jennifer Hudson's awesomeness, this video deserves a mention:



I know this was meant to be about Jabba the Hud, but how amazing is Christina Aguilera?! You can have all the Kinder Buenos you want, love, as long as you can keep doing that.

Grrrrrrrrrrilf of the Day

I would tap Cap'n von Trapp.

Other reasons to love Christopher Plummer are that he has been married since 1970 and he voiced Charles Munz in Up!

He is 82, which is just wrong.

Scientific Proof the Prayer does Work

Every night for two years I have been getting down on my knees and begging for the Famous Five to get back together.

But Enid Blyton is long gone, and I really need to be more mature with regards to my reading material.

So I decided to centre my efforts on getting Girls Aloud back together. And tonight, Perez Hilton (God in my eyes) reported that GA will be doing a reunion tour in 2012. WOO and HOO indeed.

Now, before this weekend I wouldn't have believed a word of this, but it would seem that now that Cheryl Cole is going to the U S of A and thus committing career suicide, there will be nothing to hold them back.

Why career suicide? Well, because I don't think anyone was particularly impressed by this years solo efforts, and the pop-music-loving public did not take well to Nuhdeen's abdication, so this is the metaphorical lead balloon on its downward spiral. And me and my debit card will be carefully positioned next to the Ticketmaster website, just waiting for the shiz to hit the fan.

Now, let's remember them when Cheryl still had a snaggle tooth and Kimberly had yet to capture my heart:



Fun fact: this song was written by Lene Nystrøm, or as she is better known, that woman from Aqua.

Undecided on an Inappropriate Question

Is Mrs Banks hot, or a not? I think hot, but then I see her up close, and I think she might belong on Grrrrrrrrrrilfs.

Incidentally, I sang this song in a highly plagiarised version of 'Oh What a Lovely War'.

I do like her lipstick.

Pretty Political

This brooding beauty is the Prime Minister of Norway, Jens Stoltenberg. I like him because he looks like an ageing action hero, or possibly Liam Neeson's slightly less intense brother.

Jens is a former journalist and cannabis user. Good to know what his interests are.

He once crashed into a car, pretended to fix a note, and sped off into the night. Unfortunately, he was newly elected and recognisable to the general Norwegian public. So not the sharpest tool in the box, but I like a man who takes risks.

And fortunately, he has undergone an image change since these days:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/thefuturistics/2340340656/

Grrrrrrrrrrilf of the Day

I give you- Tom Selleck! He wouldn't be my first choice, but I have heard there is many a young lady with their hearts set on him.

Tom here has just turned 66. Well, if it's good enough for Monica Gellar...

PS- do you see the picture in which he is wearing jeans? Have you looked? My sister has that exact same belt. She accused me of stealing it, but it would seem that Magnum PI has some sticky fingers.