Heidi Montag on Sex Tapes and Jesus

A found this interesting quote while perusing Perez:

"I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God. God knows the truth in all of [the Lauren Conrad sex tape rumors], and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know?" 

I think that that is where the comparisons with JC end. I am certain that Jesus was not persecuted for having a mouldable face. But if ever there was a sign that Heidi's good friend has a sense of humour, it's that his dad put someone on earth who came up with this:

You are SO welcome.

Ugh

As if being perfectly proportioned, well dressed, rich and born into the greatest TV-family of all time wasn't enough, Kim Kardashian has gone and got married. My mediocre self can barely cope.

But it's fine, I've always preferred Khloe anyway.

Fergie: Pre-Self-Destruction

Fergie of Black-Eyed-Peas fame was once a child called Stacey Ferguson. she was young and innocent, and completely unaware of the fact that she would grow up to be a meth head, and wet herself on stage. As a youngster, she appeared on 80s US tv-show 'Kids Inc', and she was pretty awesome:

She was only 8 in that video! I've heard her sing live, and she really does have one of the best voices I have ever heard, if not the best.

It's also impossible to tell that she grew up to be Fergie. If ever there was an advert to prevent people from having surgery performed on their face, it should be this video compared with a modern Stacey. Kinda sad.

Epic Fail, Cosmo

Cosmopolitan have decided to release their obligatory, bi-annual, 'love-yourself-gurrrl' issue this month, and kindly decided to put Kim Kardashian on the cover.

Inside, Kim talks about how tough life has been for her, and tells a moving story about the time that she thought she was trying on a size 12, when it was really a size 8, and what that meant for her.

Oh, boo-hoo, Kim. Getting up in the morning must be soooooooo difficult with your perfectly proportioned body and single-figure dress size. You know what's hard- getting cut out of your clothes because they don't fit you. That's hard, bitch.

In conclusion- no, Cosmo, I don't feel better about myself after reading that issue. I probably feel worse, and now I'm going to fry some stuff, and it will be all your fault.

If you feel like torturing yourself too, you can have a flick through this month's issue here.

Open Letter to Vanessa Hudgens

Dear Vanessa,

If you don't want people to see you naked, stop taking off your clothes and taking pictures of yourself. They will end up on the internet, and your parents will be embarrassed.

However, if you are going to continually be stupid and allow this to happen, could you ensure that they photos fall into the hands of someone who will publish them properly? I've been searching all day and I can't find them anywhere.

Though, that's how I felt about Rihanna's naked episode, and then I found the photos and, well....I saw too much.

I guess it's a case of 'be careful what you wish for', but I'm going to take my chances.

He has my vote

Though I'm quite sure that (despite the fact that I'm a British citizen) I am only allowed to vote for candidates with some sort of terrorist links.

But look at this man. Isn't he a specimen of beauty? Granted he and Sonic the Hedgehog have the same hairdresser, but he still gets my heart racing. We could have a foreign affair.

PS his dad is a Marxist theorist, so I think he could take me home to meet the family and I may be able to impress them with my knowledge (read: boobs)

God dislikes me- and womankind

The reason I say this is because the stunner above is actually a boy. God makes boys that are better girls than some girls are (and by 'some girls' I mean me), or at least the good people at Jean Paul Gautier seem to think so.

I just have some points on this. Now, I can understand how make up can transform a person in many ways, but how in the world does this boy give the illusion of having hips?! And he has a teeny waist- look at how small it is, it's fascinating! And secondly, while I fully understand the place that androgyny has on the catwalk and in fashion, does it perhaps send out a bad message to use a model that is that under-developed in the boob region? I totally support this move in the industry, but because fashion is plagued by talk of eating disorders and bad influences, maybe designers need to tred carefully here.

Anywho, the model's name is Andrej Pejic, and he models both men's and women's ranges. Now, that's talent.

This post may cause you to gauge out your eyeballs. With teaspoons

Why? Who? HOW?! Where is her make-up?! This is pretty unfair- with anyone else there would be at least a little airbrushing and some very supportive underwear. However, some conniving bastard managed to talk Abbey- of X-Factor 'Ablisa' fame- into getting her bits out. Whoever was behind this obviously wanted to punish the human race for reading such tripe as the Sport.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to amputate a limb, in the hope that it makes me forget that I saw this photo.

Sorry Katy, but this is good for my self-esteem

Ladies and Gentlemen of the world, this is what Katy Perry looks like when she wakes up.

According to readers of FHM, Katy is the 37th sexiest woman in the world. I thought she'd be higher, but there you go.

If I were you, Katy, I would kick your husband in the balls so hard for taking this picture that you would knock him right of the wagon and into the arms of some dealer. Then I would pack my bags and fuck off.

I'm being overly harsh. She may look like a teenage boy in this picture, but we know she is all woman below the neck. Where are those pictures, Russell?