Jason Segel could not be any more perfect. He brings me songs, he brings me smiles, and he brings me Muppets.

I could totally arrange it that I am available for you, Mr Segel.

(Would it be weird if I asked him to bring some Muppet, too? I totally love me some Pepe)

Um...

What the hell is that on your head?! I just don't get it. Head jewelleryn in general just upsets me. Unless you are the princess of an actual country (the E! Channel does not qualify as a country, obviously) you should not decorate your skull.

I know. I'm just jealous. I wish I looked like Kim Kardashian-Humphries.

Why Beyoncé's Baby is not Good News

Beyoncé is 'avec enfant'. This is not surprising, because today is her 30th birthday, and she has been ranting for years that she wants to have a baby when she's 30. Of course, baby making is wonderful, makes the world go round, blah blah blah. But Beyoncé-baby-making has it's problems.

1: When Beyoncé loves someone, she really, really wants us all to know about it. She does this in song-form. The thing is, the more Beyoncé loves someone, the worse the song gets (see the horrendous 'Daddy' and the abysmal '1+1'). And fools like me will be obligated to buy the albumn of baby-gushing-crap. I've already gone through this with Britney (the imaginatively titled 'My Baby'), and I really don't think I have the fan-will-power to do it all over again.

2. This means Beyoncé's mum, Big Tina, is going to start designing baby clothes. If you are unaware of Tina's 'talents', she has to be the worst seamstress the world has ever known. When you see Beyoncé and think 'What the fuck are you wearing?!', her mum made that. Like this monstrosity below:

If she makes a baby clothes line I will have to contact Child Protective Services, because I really can't get on board with that kind of child abuse. (Note: The hideous ensemble she is sporting in the photo above actually wasn't made by her mother. The jacket is D&G, and the nylon trousers are Primark Maternity. Probably.)

3. Even though she is going to be getting huge and indulging her inner fat-girl, Beyoncé has made all her videos for her new albumn after she went through some horrendous diet, so I will still have to see her in all her gorgeous glory. In short, even though she is carrying spawn, I will feel like the pregnant one. Ugh.

4. Beyoncé and Jay-Z have been married now for exactly 3 years and 5 months, and I have never seen those wedding photographs. Chances are I will never see pictures of this baby either. My curious and celebrity-orientated brain does not cope well with this kind of secrecy.

5. Kanye West is going to be Godfather and Gwyneth Paltrow will probably be Godmother. That child is going to be hella-confused when it grows up with all those mixed messages it'll be receiving.

For the above reasons, I can only give you half-hearted congratulations, Beyoncé, and I will save my true celebration for when I actually get to see what Baby BeyJayzus looks like.

Ugh

As if being perfectly proportioned, well dressed, rich and born into the greatest TV-family of all time wasn't enough, Kim Kardashian has gone and got married. My mediocre self can barely cope.

But it's fine, I've always preferred Khloe anyway.

Just keep her clean, Sam

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson were out and about in LA on Thursday, and stopped by the Roosevelt hotel (home of Teddy's and probably many of Lindsay's lost memories), before going home for a sleepover. I am going to go out on a limb here and say it was a sexy-time-sleepover, because they live right next door to each other- there is really no other excuse for just not going your separate ways at the door.

Genius.

Now, I just have a few things to add here. You two can have all the sleepovers you want, as long as LiLo isn't drinking or rubbing her nose. Secondly, if you are thinking of getting back together, maybe you should just bite the bullet and move in together- Lindsay hasn't got much work going her way at the mo'. And finally, a word of advice for Samantha: get out! Get out while you can! She has moved NEXT DOOR and, judging from the photo above, she is stealing your clothes.

You need a girlfriend, Sam, not a shadow.

He has my vote

Though I'm quite sure that (despite the fact that I'm a British citizen) I am only allowed to vote for candidates with some sort of terrorist links.

But look at this man. Isn't he a specimen of beauty? Granted he and Sonic the Hedgehog have the same hairdresser, but he still gets my heart racing. We could have a foreign affair.

PS his dad is a Marxist theorist, so I think he could take me home to meet the family and I may be able to impress them with my knowledge (read: boobs)

Really? This bird?

Jim Carrey has got himself a new lady friend, which is strange, because I presumed that once someone broke up with Jenny Mc Carthy they were doomed to asexuality for all time.
Apparently not.

Jim Carrey has quite an eclectic taste, doesn't he?

Sorry Katy, but this is good for my self-esteem

Ladies and Gentlemen of the world, this is what Katy Perry looks like when she wakes up.

According to readers of FHM, Katy is the 37th sexiest woman in the world. I thought she'd be higher, but there you go.

If I were you, Katy, I would kick your husband in the balls so hard for taking this picture that you would knock him right of the wagon and into the arms of some dealer. Then I would pack my bags and fuck off.

I'm being overly harsh. She may look like a teenage boy in this picture, but we know she is all woman below the neck. Where are those pictures, Russell?

WTF?!

Oh. My. God. I have just read that the disgustingly beautiful Mila Kunis has been going out with Macauly Culkin for 8 years. Jacqui from That 70s Show and Kevin from Home Alone.

What an odd pair. He must be really, really funny.

Or he's punching above his weight.