Who's up for a big, camp, Kiki?

I'm a bit tardy to the party with this, but it is my new obsession:

Learning this dance is currently No. 1 on my 5 year plan. Scissor Sisters, I can never thank you enough.

Heidi Montag on Sex Tapes and Jesus

A found this interesting quote while perusing Perez:

"I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God. God knows the truth in all of [the Lauren Conrad sex tape rumors], and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know?" 

I think that that is where the comparisons with JC end. I am certain that Jesus was not persecuted for having a mouldable face. But if ever there was a sign that Heidi's good friend has a sense of humour, it's that his dad put someone on earth who came up with this:

You are SO welcome.

Beyoncé's Backtracking

I have, for the longest time, been Beyoncé's biggest fan (and for approximately 7 minutes in 2002, her best friend). After very selfishly taking time out from entertaining me to bring up her child (I know, what was the about?) last week she premiered a new song, which is essentially an ode to herself. I include the lyric version below for your listening and reading pleasure. Don't be shy, sing along if you know it:

Yes, it's certainly 'interesting', isn't it? Interesting that the very woman who sang about us being Independent Women has seemingly now taken that back and decided that we are her subjects. I didn't really buy into this debate (mostly because I'm quite certain this is a joke - it only has one verse for crying out loud), until I came across this quote from the woman herself:

“I have always felt strongly about equal opportunity for women. Girls have to be taught from early on that they are strong and capable of being anything they want to be. It's up to us to change the statistics for women around the world. I'm honored to be in the company of women who live fearlessly and set an example for the next generation.”

This appears to be in stark contrast with her newest musical endeavour. While it's a little disappointing that this isn't a 'Run the World' type anthem, it's probably just Beyoncé playing around with narcissism to see if it fits. It suits her well.

And if the ladies of the world are in the mood for a power track, they can always look to Little Mix:

Why Beyoncé's Baby is not Good News

Beyoncé is 'avec enfant'. This is not surprising, because today is her 30th birthday, and she has been ranting for years that she wants to have a baby when she's 30. Of course, baby making is wonderful, makes the world go round, blah blah blah. But Beyoncé-baby-making has it's problems.

1: When Beyoncé loves someone, she really, really wants us all to know about it. She does this in song-form. The thing is, the more Beyoncé loves someone, the worse the song gets (see the horrendous 'Daddy' and the abysmal '1+1'). And fools like me will be obligated to buy the albumn of baby-gushing-crap. I've already gone through this with Britney (the imaginatively titled 'My Baby'), and I really don't think I have the fan-will-power to do it all over again.

2. This means Beyoncé's mum, Big Tina, is going to start designing baby clothes. If you are unaware of Tina's 'talents', she has to be the worst seamstress the world has ever known. When you see Beyoncé and think 'What the fuck are you wearing?!', her mum made that. Like this monstrosity below:

If she makes a baby clothes line I will have to contact Child Protective Services, because I really can't get on board with that kind of child abuse. (Note: The hideous ensemble she is sporting in the photo above actually wasn't made by her mother. The jacket is D&G, and the nylon trousers are Primark Maternity. Probably.)

3. Even though she is going to be getting huge and indulging her inner fat-girl, Beyoncé has made all her videos for her new albumn after she went through some horrendous diet, so I will still have to see her in all her gorgeous glory. In short, even though she is carrying spawn, I will feel like the pregnant one. Ugh.

4. Beyoncé and Jay-Z have been married now for exactly 3 years and 5 months, and I have never seen those wedding photographs. Chances are I will never see pictures of this baby either. My curious and celebrity-orientated brain does not cope well with this kind of secrecy.

5. Kanye West is going to be Godfather and Gwyneth Paltrow will probably be Godmother. That child is going to be hella-confused when it grows up with all those mixed messages it'll be receiving.

For the above reasons, I can only give you half-hearted congratulations, Beyoncé, and I will save my true celebration for when I actually get to see what Baby BeyJayzus looks like.

Frickin' Cute!

Last night Kermit and Rowlf got together to sing the Rainbow Connection, probably the best song in the world that does not involve Beyoncé.

But what makes this performance even more special is that this is only the second time that Rowlf has spoken since Jim Henson's death in 1990. Rowlf was Jim's favourite character, and after he died the Muppets cast and crew decided they ought to mute him out of respect (they probably didn't use the words 'mute him'), aside from a small speaking part in Muppets Treasure Island. This is only the second time that Rowlf and Kermit have sang together- the first was during the closing scene of the 1979 Muppet Movie.

Not so fun fact: Jim Henson died of 'sleeping pneumonia'- he felt sick, but "didn't want to worry anyone". Whatta guy.

Reasons why parents should monitor their child's internet use number 102978

The mere fact that he shouted 'Mum, don't come in!' should have served as a warning. Sales assistants should be made to force parents to undertake a 'Responsibility Test' before they buy their children laptops. Allowing your child to do this is just opening them up to abuse.

And if your going to get them a laptop, invest in some braces, too.

Grim Friday

On the day on which Jesus died so that we could all be temporary vegetarians and abstain momentarily from drinking the water that he so kindly turned into wine, I thought that this might cheer everyone up a bit.

Because let's be honest: kissing a cross covered in pensioner slobber after a day of fasting does not a fun Friday make (whoever added the 'Good' was delusional). Thank God (...) then, for Sadie B.

Now, I bet you can't wait for Sunday after that. Very uplifting. I particularly like the part where she reminds me about the collection bag.

Fergie: Pre-Self-Destruction

Fergie of Black-Eyed-Peas fame was once a child called Stacey Ferguson. she was young and innocent, and completely unaware of the fact that she would grow up to be a meth head, and wet herself on stage. As a youngster, she appeared on 80s US tv-show 'Kids Inc', and she was pretty awesome:

She was only 8 in that video! I've heard her sing live, and she really does have one of the best voices I have ever heard, if not the best.

It's also impossible to tell that she grew up to be Fergie. If ever there was an advert to prevent people from having surgery performed on their face, it should be this video compared with a modern Stacey. Kinda sad.

Jenna Rose- Performing Monkey

Her parents must hate her, because this definitely qualifies as child cruelty. She is only 13!

No child should ever utter the words 'all way around and around the back', or tell someone to 'come on by my crib'. In fact, no white person should ever say 'crib', unless it is in the context of MTV.

Parents who open their children up to bullying and dangers through viral videos need to be arrested. These kids have their whole life ahead of them to make bad decisions, don't ruin those chances for them now.

Jenna Rose, Rebecca Black etc need to take some time off, finish school, and then come back with decent songs and an image that they are in charge of and comfortable with. They have already reached levels of notoriety, so there's no rush.

And if your horrible parents are hell-bent on making you a child star, then they should stick to shit like this:

It's terrible, but at least it was made for kids. STOP THE CRUELTY!

Inconspicuous...

John Travolta has been spotted out having lunch with Liza Minelli.

Way to go, John. That's an awesome way to clear up those gay rumours. Do you have Cher's number too? Because that would really kill suspicions.

Jokes aside, if John Travolta really is gay (cheers for that, Carrie Fisher) he must be really sad. At least he has Liza.

News Flash!

Brian Mc Fadden says his new song is NOT about date-rape, because it's about his fiancée. Have we not been over this? If you get your girlfriend drunk and take advantage, it still counts.

I knew there was no way he could realistically get a woman like that.

How drunk was she when he persuaded her to do this?

At least we got to the bottom of the Kerry Katona disaster.

Stop Playing With Your Vage

Did your mum never tell you to get your hand out of your knickers? (Mine didn't, but I've seen this happen- mostly with little boys having a fiddle).

I sort of hate this video- are those pointy things embedded under her skin?! That is truly rancid. Her hair looks awesome though. I suppose that's the least you can do to look good when your're planning on birthing your own machine gun.

I find this to be a much better use of unicorns:

I don't know what they did to persuade him to do this, but it was genius. And he looks hawt.

Have I ever told you how much I love aliens?

I love movies about aliens. And movies about the end of the world. Which is now just one more reason for me to love Take That:

It's like Children of Men and District 9 in one magical-take-that-alien-apocalypse musical! I feel like I should have made this video.

I would have put more Jason in there.

Even Better than Brian Mc Fadden

This. Is. AWESOME.

I actually want to have 'Ball of Light' on my cheesiPod.

Dear Brian Mc Fadden:

It takes a lot to offend my ears, but I must congratulate you, Sir, for you have succeeded. Listen to the travesty that follows at your peril.

Now, to answer your questions, yes, that is a banjo you hear, and yes, he is saying 'I can't wait to get you home so I can take advantage'. No, I have no idea who told him he should rap on this record, but if I did, I don't know whether I would slap them, or say congratulations.

To be fair, Brian's music isn't as terrible as this song would lead you to believe. When I was in Sydney last year, this little ditty was number 1, and it's quite catchy:

IiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis

Where there's a will....

...there seems to be a massive weight loss.

If Jennifer Hudson can under go that kind of transformation, there is really no reason why I haven't lost a stone in 12 years.




That's not true, there is a very good reason why I haven't lost a stone, and it is popularly known as the Kinder Bueno. Jennifer doesn't know what she's missing.

But on the subject of Jennifer Hudson's awesomeness, this video deserves a mention:



I know this was meant to be about Jabba the Hud, but how amazing is Christina Aguilera?! You can have all the Kinder Buenos you want, love, as long as you can keep doing that.

Scientific Proof the Prayer does Work

Every night for two years I have been getting down on my knees and begging for the Famous Five to get back together.

But Enid Blyton is long gone, and I really need to be more mature with regards to my reading material.

So I decided to centre my efforts on getting Girls Aloud back together. And tonight, Perez Hilton (God in my eyes) reported that GA will be doing a reunion tour in 2012. WOO and HOO indeed.

Now, before this weekend I wouldn't have believed a word of this, but it would seem that now that Cheryl Cole is going to the U S of A and thus committing career suicide, there will be nothing to hold them back.

Why career suicide? Well, because I don't think anyone was particularly impressed by this years solo efforts, and the pop-music-loving public did not take well to Nuhdeen's abdication, so this is the metaphorical lead balloon on its downward spiral. And me and my debit card will be carefully positioned next to the Ticketmaster website, just waiting for the shiz to hit the fan.

Now, let's remember them when Cheryl still had a snaggle tooth and Kimberly had yet to capture my heart:



Fun fact: this song was written by Lene Nystrøm, or as she is better known, that woman from Aqua.

Beating the Monday Blues

Today was, as days go, pretty shitty. Few things could have made this day better, but I found the magic solution. On the way to my local epicerie to indulge in binge-eating materials, I decided to allow my cheesiPod to accompany me on the journey, and behold, the God's of fate arranged for this song to play:



I haven't felt elation like that since I recovered Puffa from a hotel in Amsterdam.

I think my next career venture should be to convince the members of Steps and S Club, and the two remaining girls from B*Witched who are jobless to set up a vocal counselling service. The outfits alone will turn that frown upside down.

You may wonder why I said 'the two remaining girls from B*Witched'. Well, wonder no more:



I like it, but I paid €90 to see Britney Spears wander absent-mindedly around a stage.

Oh Em Gee

A few years ago, Britney Spears had a bit of a mental breakdown. I have now uncovered YouTube evidence (the most reliable kind there is) that shows that Britney actually began losing her marbles in September 2003. Watch this and wait for the 'Happy Troll' comment.



David Sneddon?!?!

Well, it explains a lot about her later romantic choices.

FYI Calvin for S Club Juniors is not going to get with your sister Britney, she is damaged goods.

Bitter much?

I love Solange Knowles. She may be my favourite Knowles sister, and not just because she shaved her head and is most likely omni-baked, but because she is uber-talented:



However, Solange doesn't seem to be that pleased that no-one else likes her just as much as I do. In fact, if this song is anything to go by, it looks like she's a tad bitter:



C'mon Solange, nobody likes a baldy sour-bake.

PS: does anyone else think T.O.N.Y is about the demon weed?