Reasons why parents should monitor their child's internet use number 102978

The mere fact that he shouted 'Mum, don't come in!' should have served as a warning. Sales assistants should be made to force parents to undertake a 'Responsibility Test' before they buy their children laptops. Allowing your child to do this is just opening them up to abuse.

And if your going to get them a laptop, invest in some braces, too.

Grim Friday

On the day on which Jesus died so that we could all be temporary vegetarians and abstain momentarily from drinking the water that he so kindly turned into wine, I thought that this might cheer everyone up a bit.

Because let's be honest: kissing a cross covered in pensioner slobber after a day of fasting does not a fun Friday make (whoever added the 'Good' was delusional). Thank God (...) then, for Sadie B.

Now, I bet you can't wait for Sunday after that. Very uplifting. I particularly like the part where she reminds me about the collection bag.

Jealousy: a fun past-time, but it doesn't get you anywhere

Emma Watson has apparently been bullied out of Brown University. She said on her Twitter account a while back that she would have to take some time off college to finish up acting commitments, but sources are saying that isn't the full story. Allegedly she was getting so much shit for Harry Potter stuff that she decided to pack it in.

This is seriously pas cool. She is one of the richest kids in the world, but she must be pretty normal to decide to get an education, too. Everyone needs a Plan B. And she was studying Drama, which, you know, isn't a bad idea if she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life known as Hermione Granger.

But some massive DICKS over in Rhode Island have totally overlooked this point and have managed to harass her out of college. When their parents were splashing out on their Ivy League education, they clearly forgot to buy them some manners. This whole bullying fiasco is only made worse by the fact that Harvard students were involved. That's right, the leaders of tomorrow (and douches of next week) decided to pick on her at a college football game- with Harry Potter taunts. Come on now, your meant to be super intelligent- either up your insult game or don't say anything at all.

Still, Emma's a trooper, and she put up with it during the whole game (which is probably like 2 hours, but I've watched football, it feels like a fucking lifetime).

I love my celebrities, I really do, but I would hope that I could understand that if someone wants to take some time off to get on with their life, I should respect that. Now, if a lowly Perez reader like myself can understand that, surely Economist-subscribing, scholarship-winning, future-Wall-Street-Journal-contributing Ivy League assholes can too.

Your better off at NYU, Emma, I hear the Olsen twins had a great time there.

(PS- don't you totally get the 'She's-so-beautiful-fuss' from that picture?! She looks 'mazing!)

The Great Dead (because they are dead, but still great)

I honestly believe that Jack Lemmon is my soul mate. Ever since my dad thought it cool to make me watch The Odd Couple at 9, I have been mesmerised by his facial expressions. Honestly. No-one can make a face like that guy.

And what a face.

Jack Lemmon, sadly departed: but I still would.

Quote of the Year

Shirley MacLaine is awesome for lots of reasons (like playing my favourite ever prostitute in Irma La Douce), but after a recent interview Chez Oprah, I love her a little bit more.

During the interview she talked about her, um, 'active intimate life' (which, ps, old people really shouldn't do, ever- but it's Shirley MacLaine so we'll cut her some slack) and said:

"I've had an awful lot of lovers...and a lot of awful lovers"

LOL.

I would like to add something funny in here about how I totally understand where she's coming from etc, but I can't because my life has been nowhere near as interesting as Ms MacLaine's. Ho hum.

Fergie: Pre-Self-Destruction

Fergie of Black-Eyed-Peas fame was once a child called Stacey Ferguson. she was young and innocent, and completely unaware of the fact that she would grow up to be a meth head, and wet herself on stage. As a youngster, she appeared on 80s US tv-show 'Kids Inc', and she was pretty awesome:

She was only 8 in that video! I've heard her sing live, and she really does have one of the best voices I have ever heard, if not the best.

It's also impossible to tell that she grew up to be Fergie. If ever there was an advert to prevent people from having surgery performed on their face, it should be this video compared with a modern Stacey. Kinda sad.

The Great Dead (because they are dead, but still great)

Cary Grant (or Archibald Leach, as his mum called him) was born way back in 1904, and passed away in 1986. He secretly worked for British Intelligence during WWII, trying to out Nazis. This mixture of suave, sophistication and bad-ass helps explain why Ian Fleming modeled the James Bond character on Cary Grant.

If you've ever seen (the totally awesome) film Charade with Cary and Audrey Hepburn, you'll know that his looks never faded- he still looked hot at 59.

Cary Grant: your great, and I would.

Epic Fail, Cosmo

Cosmopolitan have decided to release their obligatory, bi-annual, 'love-yourself-gurrrl' issue this month, and kindly decided to put Kim Kardashian on the cover.

Inside, Kim talks about how tough life has been for her, and tells a moving story about the time that she thought she was trying on a size 12, when it was really a size 8, and what that meant for her.

Oh, boo-hoo, Kim. Getting up in the morning must be soooooooo difficult with your perfectly proportioned body and single-figure dress size. You know what's hard- getting cut out of your clothes because they don't fit you. That's hard, bitch.

In conclusion- no, Cosmo, I don't feel better about myself after reading that issue. I probably feel worse, and now I'm going to fry some stuff, and it will be all your fault.

If you feel like torturing yourself too, you can have a flick through this month's issue here.

Jenna Rose- Performing Monkey

Her parents must hate her, because this definitely qualifies as child cruelty. She is only 13!

No child should ever utter the words 'all way around and around the back', or tell someone to 'come on by my crib'. In fact, no white person should ever say 'crib', unless it is in the context of MTV.

Parents who open their children up to bullying and dangers through viral videos need to be arrested. These kids have their whole life ahead of them to make bad decisions, don't ruin those chances for them now.

Jenna Rose, Rebecca Black etc need to take some time off, finish school, and then come back with decent songs and an image that they are in charge of and comfortable with. They have already reached levels of notoriety, so there's no rush.

And if your horrible parents are hell-bent on making you a child star, then they should stick to shit like this:

It's terrible, but at least it was made for kids. STOP THE CRUELTY!

Inconspicuous...

John Travolta has been spotted out having lunch with Liza Minelli.

Way to go, John. That's an awesome way to clear up those gay rumours. Do you have Cher's number too? Because that would really kill suspicions.

Jokes aside, if John Travolta really is gay (cheers for that, Carrie Fisher) he must be really sad. At least he has Liza.