I Actually Thought That This Was RuPaul

wj

...but it's former 'adult film start' extraordinaire Jenna Jameson. What the what?! Proof that when it comes to surgery, it's best to leave your face alone. 

Can we be friends?

The lovely people at Buzzfeed are running an article on 'Messages to Young People Who Don't Believe in Gay Marriage'. Amongst the 37 options on the site, this was my fave. I need to know this girl, she is clearly a genius:

Now that's how you speak to the (more ignorant) youth of today. Though if you are looking for a more blunt approach, this one works too:

Equal rights and love and hugs and kisses for all!

Who's up for a big, camp, Kiki?

I'm a bit tardy to the party with this, but it is my new obsession:

Learning this dance is currently No. 1 on my 5 year plan. Scissor Sisters, I can never thank you enough.

Heidi Montag on Sex Tapes and Jesus

A found this interesting quote while perusing Perez:

"I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God. God knows the truth in all of [the Lauren Conrad sex tape rumors], and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know?" 

I think that that is where the comparisons with JC end. I am certain that Jesus was not persecuted for having a mouldable face. But if ever there was a sign that Heidi's good friend has a sense of humour, it's that his dad put someone on earth who came up with this:

You are SO welcome.

Too Great to be Straight

I bring you now to a section that shall henceforth be known as 'too great to be straight'. Here you will find a bevvy of delectable men  whose only flaw is that they are too good to be true and just not into you. First up, the exceptionally beautiful Matt Bomer:

Just look at that face - so chiseled. Those eyes - so mesmerising. That collar-bone - so prominent. Those eyebrows  - so well maintained. A coincidence that 'Bomer' sounds like 'boner'? I think not.

Matt is 35 (unbelievable!!), and has 3 sons with his partner Simon Halls. 

I know, so cute you could cry. Ugh. 

Beyoncé's Backtracking

I have, for the longest time, been Beyoncé's biggest fan (and for approximately 7 minutes in 2002, her best friend). After very selfishly taking time out from entertaining me to bring up her child (I know, what was the about?) last week she premiered a new song, which is essentially an ode to herself. I include the lyric version below for your listening and reading pleasure. Don't be shy, sing along if you know it:

Yes, it's certainly 'interesting', isn't it? Interesting that the very woman who sang about us being Independent Women has seemingly now taken that back and decided that we are her subjects. I didn't really buy into this debate (mostly because I'm quite certain this is a joke - it only has one verse for crying out loud), until I came across this quote from the woman herself:

“I have always felt strongly about equal opportunity for women. Girls have to be taught from early on that they are strong and capable of being anything they want to be. It's up to us to change the statistics for women around the world. I'm honored to be in the company of women who live fearlessly and set an example for the next generation.”

This appears to be in stark contrast with her newest musical endeavour. While it's a little disappointing that this isn't a 'Run the World' type anthem, it's probably just Beyoncé playing around with narcissism to see if it fits. It suits her well.

And if the ladies of the world are in the mood for a power track, they can always look to Little Mix:

The Epitome of the Phrase 'So Bad It's Good'

Sarah Michelle Gellar has returned to TV in what can only be described as both horrendous and spectacular fashion. 'Ringer' is a totally unbelievable drama series where Buffy plays two twin sisters. One sister fakes her own death, and the other sister takes over her life to hide from the mob (oh wait, there's more), only to find out that someone is after her sister, who is also a bit of a slut and is avec enfant, but unsure who the baby daddy is.

The show also has an inadvertent comedy aspect, due to the sister's names. In a very Irish fashion the twins are called Bridget and Siobhan. SMG is struggling to pronounce the latter name. She often takes to calling her 'Shiv'. I know many Siobhans, but have never met a Shiv.

Here's a glimpse of the trailer:

I don't think Ringer is on UK or Irish TV yet, so you'll probs just have to wait a bit (nudge nudge, wink wink)

Suri Cruise is such an awesome bitch. Or at the very least, her blogging alter ego is. I particularly like her loathing for the Kardashian's and their off-spring.

Jason Segel could not be any more perfect. He brings me songs, he brings me smiles, and he brings me Muppets.

I could totally arrange it that I am available for you, Mr Segel.

(Would it be weird if I asked him to bring some Muppet, too? I totally love me some Pepe)

There is Just No Excuse, Lindsay

Bad teeth are excusable. Unclean teeth are not. Radar online has found a dentist that kindly speculates that Lindsay's bad case of funky-tooth is due to drug use.

If this is true (which it may not be), I'm sure you can scrape some pennies together for a tube of toothpaste, Ms Lohan. You can even get one composed of baking powder- you know, it's a white powdery stuff, and you rub it on your gums and....oh no, wait, that's what (allegedly) got us here in the first place.

I have a voucher for 25% of dental care in Boots if it's financial aid you're in need of. Though if you accept it with mind to (possibly, but also possibly not) purchase some narcotics, I will have to take it back, because I believe that would make me an enabler.

Um...

What the hell is that on your head?! I just don't get it. Head jewelleryn in general just upsets me. Unless you are the princess of an actual country (the E! Channel does not qualify as a country, obviously) you should not decorate your skull.

I know. I'm just jealous. I wish I looked like Kim Kardashian-Humphries.

Why Beyoncé's Baby is not Good News

Beyoncé is 'avec enfant'. This is not surprising, because today is her 30th birthday, and she has been ranting for years that she wants to have a baby when she's 30. Of course, baby making is wonderful, makes the world go round, blah blah blah. But Beyoncé-baby-making has it's problems.

1: When Beyoncé loves someone, she really, really wants us all to know about it. She does this in song-form. The thing is, the more Beyoncé loves someone, the worse the song gets (see the horrendous 'Daddy' and the abysmal '1+1'). And fools like me will be obligated to buy the albumn of baby-gushing-crap. I've already gone through this with Britney (the imaginatively titled 'My Baby'), and I really don't think I have the fan-will-power to do it all over again.

2. This means Beyoncé's mum, Big Tina, is going to start designing baby clothes. If you are unaware of Tina's 'talents', she has to be the worst seamstress the world has ever known. When you see Beyoncé and think 'What the fuck are you wearing?!', her mum made that. Like this monstrosity below:

If she makes a baby clothes line I will have to contact Child Protective Services, because I really can't get on board with that kind of child abuse. (Note: The hideous ensemble she is sporting in the photo above actually wasn't made by her mother. The jacket is D&G, and the nylon trousers are Primark Maternity. Probably.)

3. Even though she is going to be getting huge and indulging her inner fat-girl, Beyoncé has made all her videos for her new albumn after she went through some horrendous diet, so I will still have to see her in all her gorgeous glory. In short, even though she is carrying spawn, I will feel like the pregnant one. Ugh.

4. Beyoncé and Jay-Z have been married now for exactly 3 years and 5 months, and I have never seen those wedding photographs. Chances are I will never see pictures of this baby either. My curious and celebrity-orientated brain does not cope well with this kind of secrecy.

5. Kanye West is going to be Godfather and Gwyneth Paltrow will probably be Godmother. That child is going to be hella-confused when it grows up with all those mixed messages it'll be receiving.

For the above reasons, I can only give you half-hearted congratulations, Beyoncé, and I will save my true celebration for when I actually get to see what Baby BeyJayzus looks like.

Ugh

As if being perfectly proportioned, well dressed, rich and born into the greatest TV-family of all time wasn't enough, Kim Kardashian has gone and got married. My mediocre self can barely cope.

But it's fine, I've always preferred Khloe anyway.

Frickin' Cute!

Last night Kermit and Rowlf got together to sing the Rainbow Connection, probably the best song in the world that does not involve Beyoncé.

But what makes this performance even more special is that this is only the second time that Rowlf has spoken since Jim Henson's death in 1990. Rowlf was Jim's favourite character, and after he died the Muppets cast and crew decided they ought to mute him out of respect (they probably didn't use the words 'mute him'), aside from a small speaking part in Muppets Treasure Island. This is only the second time that Rowlf and Kermit have sang together- the first was during the closing scene of the 1979 Muppet Movie.

Not so fun fact: Jim Henson died of 'sleeping pneumonia'- he felt sick, but "didn't want to worry anyone". Whatta guy.

Reasons why parents should monitor their child's internet use number 102978

The mere fact that he shouted 'Mum, don't come in!' should have served as a warning. Sales assistants should be made to force parents to undertake a 'Responsibility Test' before they buy their children laptops. Allowing your child to do this is just opening them up to abuse.

And if your going to get them a laptop, invest in some braces, too.

Grim Friday

On the day on which Jesus died so that we could all be temporary vegetarians and abstain momentarily from drinking the water that he so kindly turned into wine, I thought that this might cheer everyone up a bit.

Because let's be honest: kissing a cross covered in pensioner slobber after a day of fasting does not a fun Friday make (whoever added the 'Good' was delusional). Thank God (...) then, for Sadie B.

Now, I bet you can't wait for Sunday after that. Very uplifting. I particularly like the part where she reminds me about the collection bag.

Jealousy: a fun past-time, but it doesn't get you anywhere

Emma Watson has apparently been bullied out of Brown University. She said on her Twitter account a while back that she would have to take some time off college to finish up acting commitments, but sources are saying that isn't the full story. Allegedly she was getting so much shit for Harry Potter stuff that she decided to pack it in.

This is seriously pas cool. She is one of the richest kids in the world, but she must be pretty normal to decide to get an education, too. Everyone needs a Plan B. And she was studying Drama, which, you know, isn't a bad idea if she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life known as Hermione Granger.

But some massive DICKS over in Rhode Island have totally overlooked this point and have managed to harass her out of college. When their parents were splashing out on their Ivy League education, they clearly forgot to buy them some manners. This whole bullying fiasco is only made worse by the fact that Harvard students were involved. That's right, the leaders of tomorrow (and douches of next week) decided to pick on her at a college football game- with Harry Potter taunts. Come on now, your meant to be super intelligent- either up your insult game or don't say anything at all.

Still, Emma's a trooper, and she put up with it during the whole game (which is probably like 2 hours, but I've watched football, it feels like a fucking lifetime).

I love my celebrities, I really do, but I would hope that I could understand that if someone wants to take some time off to get on with their life, I should respect that. Now, if a lowly Perez reader like myself can understand that, surely Economist-subscribing, scholarship-winning, future-Wall-Street-Journal-contributing Ivy League assholes can too.

Your better off at NYU, Emma, I hear the Olsen twins had a great time there.

(PS- don't you totally get the 'She's-so-beautiful-fuss' from that picture?! She looks 'mazing!)

The Great Dead (because they are dead, but still great)

I honestly believe that Jack Lemmon is my soul mate. Ever since my dad thought it cool to make me watch The Odd Couple at 9, I have been mesmerised by his facial expressions. Honestly. No-one can make a face like that guy.

And what a face.

Jack Lemmon, sadly departed: but I still would.

Quote of the Year

Shirley MacLaine is awesome for lots of reasons (like playing my favourite ever prostitute in Irma La Douce), but after a recent interview Chez Oprah, I love her a little bit more.

During the interview she talked about her, um, 'active intimate life' (which, ps, old people really shouldn't do, ever- but it's Shirley MacLaine so we'll cut her some slack) and said:

"I've had an awful lot of lovers...and a lot of awful lovers"

LOL.

I would like to add something funny in here about how I totally understand where she's coming from etc, but I can't because my life has been nowhere near as interesting as Ms MacLaine's. Ho hum.

Fergie: Pre-Self-Destruction

Fergie of Black-Eyed-Peas fame was once a child called Stacey Ferguson. she was young and innocent, and completely unaware of the fact that she would grow up to be a meth head, and wet herself on stage. As a youngster, she appeared on 80s US tv-show 'Kids Inc', and she was pretty awesome:

She was only 8 in that video! I've heard her sing live, and she really does have one of the best voices I have ever heard, if not the best.

It's also impossible to tell that she grew up to be Fergie. If ever there was an advert to prevent people from having surgery performed on their face, it should be this video compared with a modern Stacey. Kinda sad.