Suri Cruise is such an awesome bitch. Or at the very least, her blogging alter ego is. I particularly like her loathing for the Kardashian's and their off-spring.

Jason Segel could not be any more perfect. He brings me songs, he brings me smiles, and he brings me Muppets.

I could totally arrange it that I am available for you, Mr Segel.

(Would it be weird if I asked him to bring some Muppet, too? I totally love me some Pepe)

There is Just No Excuse, Lindsay

Bad teeth are excusable. Unclean teeth are not. Radar online has found a dentist that kindly speculates that Lindsay's bad case of funky-tooth is due to drug use.

If this is true (which it may not be), I'm sure you can scrape some pennies together for a tube of toothpaste, Ms Lohan. You can even get one composed of baking powder- you know, it's a white powdery stuff, and you rub it on your gums and....oh no, wait, that's what (allegedly) got us here in the first place.

I have a voucher for 25% of dental care in Boots if it's financial aid you're in need of. Though if you accept it with mind to (possibly, but also possibly not) purchase some narcotics, I will have to take it back, because I believe that would make me an enabler.

Um...

What the hell is that on your head?! I just don't get it. Head jewelleryn in general just upsets me. Unless you are the princess of an actual country (the E! Channel does not qualify as a country, obviously) you should not decorate your skull.

I know. I'm just jealous. I wish I looked like Kim Kardashian-Humphries.

Why Beyoncé's Baby is not Good News

Beyoncé is 'avec enfant'. This is not surprising, because today is her 30th birthday, and she has been ranting for years that she wants to have a baby when she's 30. Of course, baby making is wonderful, makes the world go round, blah blah blah. But Beyoncé-baby-making has it's problems.

1: When Beyoncé loves someone, she really, really wants us all to know about it. She does this in song-form. The thing is, the more Beyoncé loves someone, the worse the song gets (see the horrendous 'Daddy' and the abysmal '1+1'). And fools like me will be obligated to buy the albumn of baby-gushing-crap. I've already gone through this with Britney (the imaginatively titled 'My Baby'), and I really don't think I have the fan-will-power to do it all over again.

2. This means Beyoncé's mum, Big Tina, is going to start designing baby clothes. If you are unaware of Tina's 'talents', she has to be the worst seamstress the world has ever known. When you see Beyoncé and think 'What the fuck are you wearing?!', her mum made that. Like this monstrosity below:

If she makes a baby clothes line I will have to contact Child Protective Services, because I really can't get on board with that kind of child abuse. (Note: The hideous ensemble she is sporting in the photo above actually wasn't made by her mother. The jacket is D&G, and the nylon trousers are Primark Maternity. Probably.)

3. Even though she is going to be getting huge and indulging her inner fat-girl, Beyoncé has made all her videos for her new albumn after she went through some horrendous diet, so I will still have to see her in all her gorgeous glory. In short, even though she is carrying spawn, I will feel like the pregnant one. Ugh.

4. Beyoncé and Jay-Z have been married now for exactly 3 years and 5 months, and I have never seen those wedding photographs. Chances are I will never see pictures of this baby either. My curious and celebrity-orientated brain does not cope well with this kind of secrecy.

5. Kanye West is going to be Godfather and Gwyneth Paltrow will probably be Godmother. That child is going to be hella-confused when it grows up with all those mixed messages it'll be receiving.

For the above reasons, I can only give you half-hearted congratulations, Beyoncé, and I will save my true celebration for when I actually get to see what Baby BeyJayzus looks like.

Ugh

As if being perfectly proportioned, well dressed, rich and born into the greatest TV-family of all time wasn't enough, Kim Kardashian has gone and got married. My mediocre self can barely cope.

But it's fine, I've always preferred Khloe anyway.

Frickin' Cute!

Last night Kermit and Rowlf got together to sing the Rainbow Connection, probably the best song in the world that does not involve Beyoncé.

But what makes this performance even more special is that this is only the second time that Rowlf has spoken since Jim Henson's death in 1990. Rowlf was Jim's favourite character, and after he died the Muppets cast and crew decided they ought to mute him out of respect (they probably didn't use the words 'mute him'), aside from a small speaking part in Muppets Treasure Island. This is only the second time that Rowlf and Kermit have sang together- the first was during the closing scene of the 1979 Muppet Movie.

Not so fun fact: Jim Henson died of 'sleeping pneumonia'- he felt sick, but "didn't want to worry anyone". Whatta guy.